


Empty Vessel

by Moira_Starsong, TruthfulNomad



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel finds happiness, F/M, FWUCollections, Falling In Love, Gen, Heaven, Heavy Angst, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Serial Killer Nick, Serial Killers, The Empty, Vessel Trauma, season 14, true feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-15 04:47:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16926783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moira_Starsong/pseuds/Moira_Starsong, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TruthfulNomad/pseuds/TruthfulNomad
Summary: Season 14 spoilers! Nick is suffering from some deep traumatic psychological issues because of Lucifer. To satiate his need for the power he feels when he kills, he has found the perfect target to take out his aggressions on. Former angel's empty vessels. Castiel and Jack go on a hunt to track down some of these empty vessels before Nick does, as his killing spree heats up. Their attempts to save these humans leads them to rural Montana and one particular vessel that Castiel is particularly vested in saving. Caroline Johnson's life after Hannah has been tragic, to say the least. She is found homeless, suffering from the intense trauma of her own possession. This is a look at the traumatic effects of angel possession. It is also a chance for Caroline to be reunited with her angel, as she has never forgotten about Hannah and wants her back. And for Castiel- a chance to fall in love and find the happiness that the empty won't let him have.





	1. Chapter 1

It was snowing when she arrived in town. The biting cold stung at her skin as she wandered along the sidewalk. The holes in her shoes made her pace slightly lopsided as she shivered.

 

No one much took notice of the woman, with her torn faded jeans, the white hospital gown which hung from her shoulders, and the stained and painfully thin black sweater she had found on an empty bench the other day. Her black ankle boots had so many holes in them that she was almost barefoot, the heels of her feet were worn as they made contact with the cold pavement.

 

Her hair, the darkest chestnut brown it could be without being black, hung in limp matted tresses to her shoulders, her thick bangs blew with the wind. She thought she should be used to cold Montana weather, having lived there her entire life, but that was before her life changed, before her world changed forever.

 

Caroline. Her name was Caroline. It was Caroline Johnson, now she was Caroline Vermuellen, having felt the need to return to her maiden name after Joe left. There seemed to be a finality to that decision. A truth. She could never have her life back.

 

The tiny southern Montana town seemed to be the place for the wary. Aside from some sneers and hard looks her way, no doubt as they scrutinized her appearance, she was largely ignored. People moved past her, going in and out of stores, to their cars, groups of them frequented restaurant entrances as they went about their lives. Caroline walked past them indignantly.

 

She was innocent like them once. She was just like them. She had a husband, a career, interests. She remembered her favorite subject had always been history and that as a college history professor, demanding though it was, had been rewarding, opening minds to the lessons of the past.  

 

That was all before Hannah. Before the word _yes_ fell from her mouth, changing everything forever. The angel who asked her to put her life aside, to give her body, her mind, her soul to be used. She often thought back to that year, the year she spent as a spectator to her own actions. She had no control over her arms, her legs, the words that came from her mouth, it was if she was watching everything from within and her only companion was the angel herself.

 

“Hello!” the sudden greeting piercing through Caroline’s mind jolted her from her thoughts. She blinked, coming to an abrupt halt before nearly walking right into the young man who had suddenly appeared in her path.

 

“I don’t have any money,” she informed him, looking him up and down. He seemed young, perhaps 16 or 17. The sandy blondish brown hair that fell into his crystal blue eyes- eyes that seemed oddly familiar- and the dimpled smile on his face seemed to diffuse any immediate hostility Caroline had towards him.

 

“I don’t either,” the boy chirped. “But you… did you know you glow?”

 

Caroline cocked her head, squinting quizzically. “I what?” it had never occurred to her that she might appear as anything other than a typical woman in her thirties, to anyone else. There was a time when she did indeed glow- glow with the brilliant blue energy of angelic grace. But that was so long ago.

 

“Yes, its what made me notice you,” he explained. “I was standing outside waiting for my father, and I saw you go by… I’m Jack by the way.”

 

Caroline glanced around at her surroundings. She was across the street from the parking lot of a run down motel. There were a few vehicles in the parking lot, clumps of snow gathered at their tires.

 

“I think you should meet my father,” Jack brought her attention back to him. “We’ve been looking for you… well, not you specifically, but people like you.”

 

“Look I don’t know what you want,” Caroline warned. “But I just arrived in town, I don’t know anything, and I don’t have anything you want. I’m… no one.”

 

Jack cocked his head, puzzled. “But you are someone,” he insisted. “You are here, I can see you. Therefore, you are someone.” He paused for a moment, watching her shiver slightly in the wind. “Would you like a hot chocolate?” he offered. “I can get one for you.”

 

The promise of warmth was tempting. She didn’t know this kid, didn’t know what his intentions might be, and she had been lured into situations gone sour before. But this kid had a kind face and a kind of familiarity with him. She almost felt as though she should know him.

 

Reluctantly, she agreed and followed him across the street. He led her to a motel room, and when he opened the door, motioning for her to come inside, she stepped inside cautiously.

 

It was a typical rundown motel reminiscent of small-town America. Two plain beds adorned with cheap floral patterned bedding, a small table under the window, a bathroom in the far back, a worn, faded, stained brown carpet. Thin curtains shielded thinned out the light from outside.

 

But the warmth bellowing out from the wall heater was welcoming and she eagerly moved towards the heat source, her arms and legs had long gone numb in the cold and the chance to be warm, if even for a moment, was all the encouragement she needed.

 

But as her eyes adjusted to the dimmer light inside the motel, she caught sight of the other individual in the room. She recognized him immediately, he looked just as he had when last she had seen him. Those same deep blue eyes- now she knew who Jack reminded her of- the beige trench coat and blue tie. That same soft smirk that wrinkled the skin under his eyes.

 

“Castiel…” she murmured. She felt as though her heart had just dropped into the pit of her stomach on sight of him. Mixed emotions flooded her. Mostly fear and deep-seated resentment. She quickly turned towards the door. “Get away from me…” she warned.

 

“Wait,” he stood up, holding up a hand. “Caroline… please. Your life is in danger.”

 

Caroline scoffed as she whirled to face him. “My life?” she repeated. “You call this a life? Look at me Castiel… look at what your kind has reduced me to. And in all of these… what has it been, four years? I have not heard a word from anyone above. You just dumped me off and left, not bothering to help clean up the mess.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he offered, genuinely. “It’s what she thought you wanted. Your life back.”

 

“Yeah well, I didn’t get my life back,” Caroline said as she reluctantly sunk into a chair, resolved to stay and hear him out.

 

“What about your husband?” Castiel wanted to know. “I thought you wanted to go back to him. It’s what she thought, its why she released you.”

 

Caroline glanced to Jack who still stood by the door, but closed it and was listening carefully; his eyes fixed on her. “And how was I supposed to explain myself to him?” she asked, as she recalled the first few months after she had returned. “After he saw me with you… I tried to tell him the truth but how could he even be expected to believe me? I tried… for months, I tried. I did everything I could to try to save our marriage. But… the memories, the nightmares… the flashbacks… her thoughts. They never really left me.”

 

She stood up and started pacing. A familiar lump formed in her throat as she internally berated herself for getting emotional, for digging the pain up again. “He never trusted me again. And when I walked in on him in bed with a co-worker… I think I ran…. I ran and ran. I wanted to run forever; I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and when I woke up… in the hospital… they told me my injuries weren’t severe but that I had to stay for psychiatric evaluation…”

 

Castiel stayed silent. His lips pursed in a thin line as he listened. The look of sympathy on his face was too much, and she turned, choosing to stare at the wall instead, as her vision blurred with hot tears.

 

“All of that was three years ago…” she said, her voice low with emotion. “It’s been like this ever since.”

 

“I’m sorry, Caroline,” Castiel offered. “I know that doesn’t help but… Jack spotted you because of what you are.”

 

She looked at him, a single tear spilling from her eye. “What I am?” she scoffed indignantly. “What am I, Castiel?”

 

“You are an empty vessel,” Jack explained as he moved from the door to one of the beds. “I could tell… you still glow with the trace of angel grace.”

 

“ _What”_ she gasped. “But she’s gone, isn’t she?”

 

Castiel sighed. Something passed in his eyes. Was it… sadness? Regret? “Hannah is gone,” he said. His expression seemed to say something more profoundly and Caroline suddenly needed to know.

 

“Gone? She’s in heaven isn’t she?” she was almost dreading the answer.

 

“No,” Castiel replied. “Hannah died. A few years ago. She’s… gone…”

 

That hit her like a ton of bricks. Caroline fell back into the chair, with a gasp as if she had just been kicked in the stomach. She covered her face in her hands, squeezing her eyes shut as she struggled to compose herself.

 

Caroline had spent these years thinking of Hannah. How much she hated and loved the angel, who shared her body. She hated her for destroying her life but loved her for… who she was. Hannah had the kind of strength Caroline never had. She was brave, confident, true. She had a compassion that, as Caroline came to know other angels, she had seen was a rare trait. Caroline knew Hannah had released her out of compassion, and the time they shared together was amazing, she had to admit. But it didn’t make up for the hardships she endured. Losing everything, being homeless, it made her bitter. Knowing Hannah was up there somewhere, fighting for heaven, it had always given her comfort.

 

There was a kind of intimacy she had with Hannah that made her closer to the angel than any lover could ever be. And to know she was gone… Caroline wept hard. Harder than she had in a long time. She felt ashamed for being this distraught in front of Castiel and Jack, but she couldn’t help it.

 

As she sobbed into her hands, she felt a hand gently touch her shoulder. She lifted her head to see Jack, kneeling in front of her, gazing up at her. “I might be able to bring her back,” he said. “After all, I brought him back.” He glanced to Castiel and Caroline met his gaze as the angel stepped closer.

 

“You died too?” she asked. She realized she was four years out of the loop. When she was Hannah, she gained a kind of knowledge about the cosmos she hadn’t had before. She knew about angels, their true roles, the warriors that they were. That Hannah was. She knew about the empty, about heaven, everything.

 

“Yes,” Castiel replied. He came over to stand next to Jack, gazing down at Caroline. “Caroline, I can explain everything to you, but it’s important we tell you why we are here first.”

 

“He called you father,” Caroline glanced from Jack to Castiel. She frowned at the idea, not quite able to piece together how Castiel could have a son when she was sure he didn’t when she’d last seen him. She felt a slight ache at the meaning. She remembered Hannah’s feelings. She had felt them as if they were her own.

 

“He’s not my biological son,” Castiel explained. “He’s Lucifer’s and-” he saw the look of horror spreading quickly across her face- “Lucifer and a human woman. Kelly Kline. She is Jack’s mother.”

 

“She died,” Jack said sadly. “But Castiel is my father. And Dean and Sam.”

 

“We sort of adopted each other,” Castiel explained. “But Caroline, Lucifer is why we are here. You are in danger because you are an empty vessel. Nick… you haven’t met him, but he is Lucifer’s vessel. He, like you, had a hard time adjusting to life without his angel.”

 

“What does he have to do with me?” Caroline wanted to know. She wiped her eyes, taking in a breath as she sat there, the two men both looking at her carefully.

 

“Because he is hunting,” Castiel explained. “He was left emotionally scarred by his experience with Lucifer, and it has caused some… psychological problems you might say. We have already determined he’s killed a number of people already. At first, they were all related to his wife and son’s murder but after that… he kept going. But he has a specific target. Empty vessels like himself. We’ve tracked down at least two empty vessels too late. He’s almost deranged… what he does to them… it's not pleasant, to say the least.”

 

Caroline frowned. “And he wants to do the same to me?”

 

Castiel nodded. “We’ve tracked him here so I think he has been looking for you. Somehow, he’s figured out who you are.”

 

Caroline felt the waves of dread. Someone was hunting her; she didn’t even know who or what he looked like.

 

“The empty is not as stable as it once was,” Castiel said. “Perhaps because of the way Jack brought me back. But we think Nick is using empty vessels, not only to act out his aggression but also to try to bring back Lucifer.”

 

“I see…” she murmured. “So what… am I supposed to go into some sort of angel witness protection program or something? How exactly do you plan to protect me?”

“We aren’t sure,” Castiel admitted. “But… bringing Hannah back would certainly be a good start. We just aren’t quite sure how yet.”

 

“But you said you could,” Caroline looked at Jack.

 

“Lucifer stole my mojo,” Jack said with a shrug. “I haven’t gotten it back yet, and I’m still not quite sure how I brought Castiel back. But… we can figure it out. We can try to bring her back if that’s what you want.”

 

“I do…” Caroline said sadly. She realized then that she really meant it. She didn’t just want Hannah back; she needed her. She’d spent the past four years trying to forget Hannah, and the told herself she’d never say yes to an angel again. But she never forgot how Hannah made her feel- powerful. She wanted that again. Maybe, for better or for worse, Hannah was her life now. Hannah was her destiny. She didn’t think she’d be able to be whole again without her. “I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back,” she agreed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by the awesome Moira_Starsong.

The last kill hadn’t sated the hunger but had only made it worse. Nick had told himself that he would stop once he had found those responsible for his family’s murder. That was righteous, wasn't it? Sarah and Teddy deserved justice, didn't they? But of course, that was a half dozen mangled bodies ago. Nick wasn't sure he _could_ stop anymore.

  


Nick had been a good man, once. Before Lucifer. (Was he, though? Or had he just been too mediocre to be evil? He had been getting hammered at the Elk’s Lodge while his wife and child’s heads had been getting bashed in …..)  He hadn't exactly been volunteering at the soup kitchen every weekend, but he hadn’t been a murderer. Nick burst into laughter at his own thoughts in the silence of the truck’s cab as he rolled down the highway at dangerous speeds towards his destination. Was that the standard now? “Not a Murderer?” He thought he might have had better standards, once.

  


This was After, though. Life was firmly and neatly divided into Before Lucifer and After Lucifer. And not just for him. Everyone who had had any contact with the fallen archangel measured their life in Before Lucifer and After Lucifer. Whether they admitted it or not.

  


Sam Winchester. The perfect vessel. Nick was terrified to admit, even in the privacy of his mind (and he is not used to his mind being private. For eight years he shared housing, for eight years his mind and body contained a howling whirlwind too primal to comprehend ….  the silence and loneliness was deafening now) that he had been a little jealous of Lucifer's obsession with Sam Winchester. Lucifer’s thoughts during the first Apocalypse had played almost on a loop: _Sam Winchester. Sam Winchester. Sam Winchester._  But Sam didn't want him. Sam hated him. Sam said no. Nick said yes.

  


Why? Nick wondered now. WHY? Why did Nick say yes? It's the question that haunts him, drives him crazy. Nick hates Lucifer, doesn't he? Lucifer destroyed his life (No, his life had already been destroyed when Sarah and Teddy had been slaughtered). Nick was happy that Lucifer was gone, wasn't he?? ( _No!!!_ Something primal inside of Nick screams out for _his_ angel back, even if the cost is the entire world. Nick hates that part of himself) Nick doesn't know what to do with himself anymore, he doesn't know who is he without Lucifer, he doesn't know if he should love or hate the archangel that rode him for so long until it seemed like they were a part of each other. He doesn't know why he uttered that one fatal _yes_ in a moment of weakness, and most of all, he doesn't know if he regrets it or not.

  


Nick asks his victims that question when he tortures them. “Why?” Why did they say yes? Why had they let an angel possess them, destroy their lives, traumatize their families, wreck the world around them? Why? The empty vessels before him usually cry, and sob, confused, and several of them thought he had been a demon. Close, he had chuckled. But not anymore. None of their answers had ever satisfied him.

  


The sniveling and weakness of the last man had disgusted Nick. Nick should be disgusted by all the blood, by his own vile actions. He knows, but he isn't. He’s just fascinated by it, the hot wet stickiness of it, the way it flows from the body when he cuts. Nick knows what he’s doing is wrong. But in the moment it _feels_ right, and they did ask to be a part of a Heavenly war, didn't they? The angels that possessed and then abandoned these empty vessels, leaving them powerless and alone, are just as much to blame as he is.

  


Nick tells himself he's not like Lucifer, but he's starting to fear that there is a reason that the Devil choose him, other than just being second best to Sam. There must have been other appropriate vessels in the world that Lucifer could have chosen. But no, it was Nick that he came to, because his grief made him vulnerable maybe, hung off of him like ragged scraps of ruined skin that gave Lucifer a soft place to sink his claws into. But Nick thinks now that there may have always been a deeper reason than his grief for his wife and child. The way that Nick enjoys his work now, the hot slickness of fresh blood coating his hands and the iron tang in the air, tells him that he and Lucifer were more suited for each other than he might have once believed.  He doesn't know how to feel about that, if he should be comforted or horrified that it was always his fate, always out of his hands.

  


Nick could still be merciful. He had almost let one of the last empty vessels go. She had only been a child when she was possessed, just seven years old. For five years she was possessed, not aging. When her angel had finally abandoned her, she found her family had been killed by demons, and she had been placed in foster care. Now she was thirteen years old physically, chronologically eighteen if you counted the years of not aging due to angel possession. And being whored out on the streets. Angels never thought about the emotional wreckage they left behind.

  


A rare bout of protectiveness had come out of Nick on that hunt. After all, if Sarah had lived, he might have had a daughter, after Teddy. And a child couldn't be blamed for being dazzled by an angel’s Light. Satan had never lied to him, had told him who he was from the beginning (while wearing his dead wife’s skin, but … ) and Nick had said yes. How could you expect more discretion from a child?

  


Nick didn't torture that one. He gave her a quick death. She was emptier than he was, her eyes had told him that she welcomed it. What he had done to the girl’s pimp, afterwards …. _that_ had taken a long time.

The girl had even looked like a younger Rowena. Rowena. Nick actually suppressed the memories of what Lucifer had done to the redheaded witch as much as he could. When he couldn't, he drank. Nick may not have been an especially good man before Lucifer, but he never would have done _that_ to a woman. The memories of how Lucifer had used _his_ body to hurt the tiny Scottish woman were particularly horrible. The worst part was that the memory was pleasurable. Nick drowned himself in whiskey in order to forget, but he never did. Not entirely.

  


It's strange to Nick that most people associate the Devil with darkness. Lucifer may have been evil, but he was made of Light. All angels were. Lucifer’s Grace was cold, chilling, _freezing_ , in fact. Colder than the coldest winter you could imagine, like the first light of dawn shining through the haze over the sun and sparkling on the snow, the air so cold that your lungs hurt if you breathed in too deeply. (And it did hurt, it hurt so so so _**much**_ there were no words for it, but it was a beautiful, tragic kind of pain.) It was a cold light, remote and distant, but it was still light. Divine Light. Light wasn't always comfortable and beautiful. Light illuminated all the ugly, rotting truths that humans kept hidden in the darkness, cracked open the pretty perfumed lies and exposed the maggots underneath. And for all his horror, Lucifer was truth. Lucifer showed Nick the truth of human nature.

  


If Lucifer was the Light of winter sun, Michael was fire. Perhaps that's why he was so dangerous; without a Father to direct his flaming sword, to tell him what to smite, and to reign in the burning passion of his absolute certainty, all Michael did was consume. Fire, they say, was an excellent servant but a poor master. He had consumed his entire world in cleansing fire, leaving nothing but ash. And the very instant that he learned of another world, his only goal was to cleanse and consume that one, too, like a raging wildfire devouring a Californian forest like so much dry kindling.

  


No one could truly understand just how dangerous Light was. Or how empty one was when it left.

  


Nick was hunting new prey now.  Caroline’s angel had actually released her not because it was done with her, but so that she could go back to her husband, her life, an unusual act of compassion for an angel. Maybe she would understand why he was doing this. Her life had still been devastated anyway. Caroline had still ended up in a mental institution - a cosmic storm tethered to your insides will do that to you - and her husband had left her for a much more stable, _normal_ co-worker. Caroline now lived on the streets, Hannah’s unusual act of compassion notwithstanding.

  


Yes, maybe Caroline would understand him. A small part of Nick still hoped that someone - _anyone_ \- would forgive him. And even if she didn't, Nick thought that Caroline might bring him Castiel, if the rumors about her angel and the rebel seraph were true. Nick hated Castiel with a particularly intense hatred - Castiel liked to pretend that he was different from all the other body snatching angels, but had admitted to Nick that his vessel Jimmy was dead and his family broken because of him. The ever-hungry beast inside of Nick stirred as he passed the city limit sign of the sleepy Montana town. His lips curled into a predatory grin. However this developed, it would certainly be interesting.

  


Maybe this time, the hunger would be sated.


	3. Chapter 3

In the still darkness of the morning, Castiel sat at the table, trying to focus on the information presented to him on the laptop. The sun had yet to come up, and the thin curtains strained the moonlight, but it was still enough to reflect on the two beds both occupied by the objects of Castiel's preoccupation.

Caroline lay tucked into the bed closest to the door. Occasionally, Castiel could see her roll or shift in bed, the moonlight reflecting off of her blanketed body as she slept. Castiel wondered how long it had been since she had slept in a bed. He had been greatly disturbed to learn how her life had gone after he had dropped her off at her home more than four years ago. He felt sad to think that if Hannah was alive, how horrified she would be if she learned how her vessel had continued to suffer after she, thinking she was making a compassionate act, had released her.

Castiel was beginning to realize that there were no compassionate acts when it came to possessing human beings. That once they said yes, their lives would be changed forever and he had yet to find a vessel whose experience had been positive. He thought of Jimmy Novak. What happened to him, to his family- it haunted him still. He still wore Jimmy's body every day, still made it his own. He needed it to be the angel he had chosen. Without it, he could never have met Dean or Sam, could never have made the choices he had in the past, could never have formed the friendships and bonds with these humans he had become so fond of. But for his friendships, his personal growth, Jimmy had paid the ultimate price.

Hannah's act of compassion in releasing Caroline to return her to her life had moved Castiel so much back then. He'd never known an angel who had willingly released their vessel, who had decided to put the life of their vessel first, until Hannah. Even in all his years of being on Earth, learning about these humans he'd always been so fascinated with, he had never considered giving Jimmy up. Even when it broke the man's family, even when he had learned about the fate of Jimmy's wife or how Claire had spent the years afterward. He had caused that. But did he ever once think about sacrificing his convenience for Jimmy? He hadn't because giving Jimmy up would have meant that he would have had to stay in heaven indefinitely and he would never see Dean or Sam again and he simply had not been willing to make that choice.

But Hannah had. Hannah had clearly wanted to stay, wanted to see what Castiel saw in this strange blue-green world. And most of all, he knew she wanted to be closer to him. Hannah's feelings for him had bothered him and he couldn't let himself feel the same way, even though he had clearly wanted it to. Thinking back on it, he remembered how she was so concerned about his fading grace, begging and pleading with him every chance she had to think about himself. She'd been one of the few people in Castiel's life to really be so concerned with him that way, and perhaps that is why it made him uncomfortable. He was unaccustomed to being made to feel any worth for himself.

But even if Hannah had loved him, she had ultimately chosen Caroline over herself. Giving up Caroline meant that she had to return to heaven, that she could never again meet Castiel on Earth. Although she had been forced to take another vessel, to try to mend their friendship, that act had ultimately cost Hannah her life. And that is something Castiel was having a hard time stomaching. He'd cost so many angels their lives. Some who had tried to hurt him or his friends, and some who had risked loving him. All of them had paid the price for being associated with him.

It all brought him back to the deal he made with the empty. He smirked, thinking how easy it was. In the darkness of the early dawn, Castiel's gaze moved to the second bed where Jack slept peacefully. Jack. His son. He had made that deal so Jack could live and he would have done it in a heartbeat. But, he thought about the Empty's words- how it would come for him when he finds happiness. It had made him realize that he had not really felt true happiness. Sam and Dean were his friends. They were like brothers to him. And Jack was his son and he was the one being that brought Castiel something close to happiness. But… Castiel's life had been empty for a long time. The weight of his actions over the past decade had borne down on him, and perhaps, deep down, he felt death wasn't such a bad thing for him.

Castiel didn't deserve to be happy. That's what the angel told himself. It's what he clung to. He realized it must be why Hannah's concerns for his life had bothered him so much- why did she think he deserved to live? He certainly didn't. In fact, he had welcomed death at the hands of his fading grace back then. That's why he refused to divulge her concerns, why he brushed her off over and over everytime she brought it up. He deserved to die. He deserved to suffer, why didn't she see that?

He'd done things. He'd hurt people. He'd hurt angels. He devastated Jimmy Novak's life, he had gotten Hannah killed. So when the empty asked for his existence in exchange for his son, he eagerly accepted. How could he not? Jack was kind, loving, innocent. Despite all the evil that had been promised with his birth, he had been the one shining star in Castiel's life. He was worth anything Castiel could give.

Castiel's thoughts were interrupted by the soft moaning coming from the bed. He glanced over to see Caroline squirming slightly under the blankets. The angel was immediately on her feet, approaching her bedside with caution. She moaned, whimpered, her brows knitted together in a grimace of… pain? Fear? Sweat glistened along her hairline as she tossed her head back and forth.

"Please…" she cried into the night, her eyes squeezed shut. "Help me… someone help me… I'm drowning… it hurts…"

Castiel winced in sympathy. He leaned forward and gently took her shoulders, trying to rouse her from her slumber.

"NO!" she half yelled half screamed the one word as she shot up in bed, her eyes flying open, cerulean blue orbs wide with primal fear.

"Caroline," Castiel sat down on the side of her bed, looking at her with concern. "You were having a nightmare."

Caroline's gaze flicked slowly to him, and she blinked a few time in recognition as she gasped for air, letting herself calm down gradually. "Not nightmares…" she said after a while. "Memories…"

"How long have you had them?" Castiel asked with concern. Beyond Caroline's form, Jack sat up in bed, wiping the sleep out of his eyes as he glanced in their direction with interest.

"Since Hannah…" Caroline admitted. "It's the same… feeling like I'm drowning, suffocating and no one can hear me scream… no one except her."

"Oh, Caroline…" Castiel murmured his heartbreaking for this woman and everything she has suffered. "I'm so sor-"

"No," she said quickly, holding up a hand. "No. Don't say that. You don't get to say that, Castiel. You did this to Jimmy. I'm sure you are sorry for what it cost him but are you sorry enough ever to take back your actions?"

Castiel sighed, the weight of guilt dropping to the pit of his stomach like rocks. That was the question, wasn't it? Knowing what he had done to Jimmy, could he, would he, ever go back and undo it all? Even if it meant never meeting Dean or Sam? Even if it meant erasing the past decade of his life. His memories? His emotions? Emotions that he'd never allowed himself to have before and were still an exploration he had yet to master?

"I don't know," he admitted, hanging his head in shame. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the movement as Jack got out of bed and crossed the motel, huddling against himself as the cold air hit him. He made his way over to Castiel and stood in front of both of them.

"Would you like to eat breakfast?" he asked, glancing at Caroline. Castiel was brought back to the reality of Caroline's circumstance. Homeless for three years institutionalized and abandoned for one.

"When have you eaten last?" Castiel asked. "And your clothing. It snowed quite a bit last night; you cannot survive in that."

"I've worn the same thing for three years," Caroline admitted. "My hospital gown, jeans, and a sweater. It's all I have."

Castiel sighed. The abject poverty to be found down here was the hardest thing for Castiel to get used to. How some humans could live in luxury while others lived in squalor and misery, it was something he couldn't wrap his mind around. He had experienced it once himself when Metatron had stolen his grace, rendering him human. He had been reduced to destitution, desperate for money, living in buses, constantly staving off never-ending hunger, cold, fear. Castel could only imagine how it might have hardened Caroline.

"Come on," he said gently as he got to his feet. He crossed to the chair he had been sitting on to grab his trench coat. Handing it to her, he gazed at her as she got out of bed and put it on. "We'll get you some warmer clothes and something to eat."

Caroline complied and over the course of the day, Castiel and Jack tagged along while she tried on clothes. Sometime in the late afternoon, she stood with Castiel while Jack waited in line to get some hot chocolate. The woman had been transformed. She now wore a pair of knee high boots, a new pair of dark blue jeans, a black knit long sleeved blouse, a grey blouse over it, and a thick grey trench coat which was reminiscent of the grey blazer Hannah used to wear. Her dark chestnut brown hair was pulled back from her face as it hung down past her shoulders. Her thick bangs hung down to her brows. Her large oval shaped brilliantly cerulean blue eyes shined a little brighter even if her skin hugged her bones, as it was clear she had gotten accustomed to not eating much.

She stood there now, beside him, eyes darting through the crowd nervously. The two of them stood in a small downtown courtyard surrounded by shops and kiosks and carts selling various items. A thick blanket of snow covered the lawn around them, and the air was chilly, if only mildly breezy. "So you are supposed to protect me against someone like me?"

"His name is Nick," Castiel explained. "He was Lucifer's vessel for about eight years. We don't know how he managed to survive after Lucifer died, but as you might imagine, he's human again, and he's dealing with the repercussions of being Lucifer's vessel."

Caroline only smirked, lowering her gaze slightly. "Who has he killed so far?"

"We've tracked about half a dozen so far," Castiel explained. "All empty vessels. The latest was only a child. A young girl from Wyoming."

Caroline was swallowing visibly, the expression on her face told him she was afraid. She probably thought she would never hear about another angel again. And now to be confronted with this so suddenly must be overwhelming.

"I don't even know him," she murmured. "I don't understand what he could want with me. I didn't do anything to him."

"He's frustrated, and he's acting out his trauma," Castiel explained, although he could only guess at Nick's motives. In a way, he couldn't really blame Nick for what he must be feeling, and he felt plenty of sympathy for special kind of horror the man must be reliving again and again inside his own mind.

But Castiel and Jack had been on his trail for a few days now and they've investigated the various crime scenes he'd left behind. Local authorities had been left stunned by the atrocious conditions in which they'd found the bodies. Tortured, mutilated. None of them died quickly. None except the latest victim. A young girl. They'd found her with a clean blow to her head, little evidence of previous trauma. A mercy killing, perhaps. So Nick was capable of mercy, somewhere deep inside his psyche. Castiel wondered if somehow, some way, he could be reasoned with or if he has already too far gone.

"So there are many others like me?" Caroline questioned, her voice betraying her concern as she looked at him, if briefly. She seemed afraid to look him in the eye for very long, as soon as he met her gaze she would quickly look away as if ashamed of being caught.

"There are a few," Castiel admitted. "More so these days."

"What do you mean?" Caroline's demeanor portrayed a timid woman. Always cautious, always withdrawn, though those hardened eyes told him her experiences had changed her outlook. There was an almost paranoid way at which her eyes darted around the crowd as if she was waiting, expecting something to jump out and grab her.

"The angels are dying," Castiel explained, watching her for a reaction. "The wars in heaven. The fall. Everything that's happened, it's all taken a heavy toll. There are now less than a dozen angels left alive. So there are empty vessels everywhere."

"What happens to heaven without the angels?" Caroline wanted to know. Castiel was sure she'd gotten an education about heaven while she shared her existence with Hannah, but she had probably not quite understood everything. It was a lot to know as if the knowledge of the cosmos had suddenly been transplanted into her mind and she was left scrambling to make sense of it all.

"Heaven can't survive without angels," Castiel explained. "And without us to keep the lights on, it will crumble. All the souls contained in heaven will fall back to earth."

At that moment, Jack returned with a couple of cups of hot chocolate in his hands. He handed them out to each of them and Castiel and Caroline accepted happily.

"Thank you, Jack," Castiel said. He glanced from Jack's smiling, gleaming face to Caroline's cautious, withdrawn one.

"It's getting late," Castiel announced. It was around four in the late afternoon, and as it was winter, the sun was already beginning to set. "Could I take you both to dinner?"

Jack grinned wide. "What should we eat?" he asked excitedly. He looked to Caroline for answers. "What are your favorite foods?"

"Oh I don't need much," she assured him, smiling politely at the Nephilim. "It's been so long since I've eaten this much and these clothes… they are warm."

"You look beautiful in them," Jack told her, making her blush a little, as she glanced at Castiel. He nodded in confirmation.

"I concur," he agreed. "And please, I've been on this world long enough to know that a full stomach isn't enough. Humans take great pleasure in eating, and I want you to choose a place where we can eat what gives you pleasure."

"We could get all dressed up. Like in the movies," Jack suggested eagerly. "And go somewhere fancy."

Castiel had to smile at Jack's simple innocence. He often had to remind himself that the young Nephilim was only a year old, even though he appeared to be a typical teenage boy. Castiel was happy to see his suggestion had earned a small but genuine smile from Caroline as well.

"I know," Jack suggested. "I'll pick a restaurant. You two go back to the motel and get freshen up and when I find the right one I'll come to get you." Castiel frowned, not sure he liked the idea of splitting up, but Jack waved him off quickly. "Don't worry, Dean taught me how to drive, I'll drop you off."

"Nick is out there," Castiel replied. "And you are still recovering."

"My grace is better," Jack replied. "Not back to full power yet but I'm not afraid of Nick. And he is after Caroline so you should stay with her. Please Castiel…"

Jack's face fell a little, and Castiel sensed there was a determination in his voice. "What is it, Jack?" he asked. The Nephilim shrugged, looking at the floor.

"It's just… I want to do something for you," he muttered. "For you, Castiel… because… what you did for me. And because I want to learn how to be a son. Isn't it what sons do for their fathers?"

Caroline looked at Castiel with questions in her eyes, and he sighed. He'd have to explain that to her. He looked at Jack and reluctantly agreed.

They spent another hour or so shopping for evening clothes. Then Jack dropped Castiel and Caroline back off at the motel. As he came in after her and closed the door, Caroline turned to face the angel.

"What did he mean back there?" she wanted to know as she studied his face for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What did you do?"

Castiel sighed and sat down on the bed beside her, pivoting his torso slightly to face her. "Jack may not be my biological son, but I love him," he began. "And… he was dying. He did die. I thought I lost him. So I went to heaven to get him back and… I made a deal with the empty."

"The empty?" Caroline repeated. "That place angels go when they die?"

Castiel nodded. "Jack went to heaven when he died. But because he is half angel, the empty felt entitled to him. I made a deal. Me instead of him. The entity hasn't come to collect yet but it will."

Caroline sighed, looking down at her hands as they rested in her lap. After a pause, she lifted her gaze and looked- actually looked- at him. "She cared about you, you know," she said. "Hannah. I shared her thoughts, and she loved you."

"I know," Castiel admitted. He hesitated. He had grown to care for Hannah. Her death had hurt him deeper than any other had. He wasn't sure if it was love, but he wondered if it could have been if they had had time. Emotions didn't come easily for angels and Castiel always admired Hannah for her ability to feel things deeply. It was her passion, her kindness, her trust in him that he admired about her.

And Caroline was not Hannah. She shared her body; it was hard for Castiel to look at her and not see Hannah. But she was not. This was a shy, withdrawn, timid woman who had been hardened by the harsh life she had been dealt. Hannah's passions seemed not to be present. She appeared almost… empty. She was merely going through the motions in life. Not really living. Had she always been that way or was this just one more broken human that the angels destroyed?

"I know you probably don't care for her," Castiel began. "But… Hannah would be devastated to know what had become of you."

Caroline inhaled sharply and quickly dropped her gaze. "I have been on survival mode for so long. I haven't really cared about living, but I suppose I am too cowardly to just let myself die. So… I've just been here… but not alive. It's been so long since…"

She trailed away, her voice becoming husky with emotion. Castiel reached over and used a finger to gently lift her chin. She gazed up at him, her eyes glistening with tears. It seemed that simple, gentle touch broke something within her. First, her face scrunched up and then suddenly, she was in his arms, propelling herself to him, planting her face into his shoulder.

Castiel was a little taken aback by the sudden surge of emotion, but he pulled her in, holding her tight as her body shook with sobs. She cried hard. "I don't know who I am anymore…" she sobbed. "It's been this way for so long. It didn't matter what I did, I've done some things, just to get a place to sleep for the night and a hot meal. When it would be so much easier just to die."

"Wait… what things?" Castiel pulled her back, looking at her in the eye. Her face was red and tear stained, but she sucked in a breath, composing herself enough to speak.

"Sometimes," she said softly. "There would be men near a nightclub. Lingering in the night. The first time, I hadn't eaten in a week. It was cold. I never knew their names; their names were unimportant. It didn't matter. Motels, in the back of their cars, wherever… as long as I had a place to sleep."

Castiel felt almost nauseous. He closed his eyes, pulling her back to him, holding her tight. This was a broken woman. Broken because of angels. What she had been put through, it struck him to the core.

A few moments passed before she lifted herself up to look at him. "Their touch was never gentle," she said, her voice taking on a whole new tone… her demeanor suddenly hinting at something unspoken. "There was never any warmth."

"I'm so sorry, Caroline," Castiel offered. He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze.

"I haven't felt like a woman in so very long," she continued. She reached out to take his hand, placing it onto the side of her cheek, her eyes darkening with desire.

"Caroline…" he swallowed, feeling the heat rise within him. "You don't want this…"

"Don't I?" she retorted. "She wanted it, why can't I? Is it so wrong to want affection? Don't you owe me as much? Haven't I given enough to you angels?"

Before he could say anything, she suddenly shot forward, pressing her lips to his urgently, desperately with a force that lowered them both onto the bed. She fell over him, kissing him.

Castiel felt his body react to her touch. He needed to resist, wanted to resist, but perhaps he was broken too, and this is what broken people did. He returned her kiss, tensely at first, as he ran a hand through her hair.

She stopped to look down at him, sensing his resistance. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded.

"Caroline, this isn't you," he explained, gazing up at her. "I don't want to take advantage of you. I know you are scared, but-"

At that moment, the door burst open and Jack strode in. He was wearing a smile, but quickly turned to a frown when he saw them. Caroline quickly scrambled off of Castiel and got to her feet, face flushing red with embarrassment.

"I got us a place," Jack announced. Then, cocking his head in confusion, as he attempted to process the scene before him. "Where you two about to do the sex?"

"Uh, no," Caroline said quickly. "I… uh need some fresh air. Be back in a moment." With that, she darted for the door, eager to escape the situation. She slammed it, a little forcefully, behind her, leaving Castiel and Jack in her wake, trying to figure out what had just happened.


	4. Chapter 4

Nick pulled down his baseball cap and flipped up the collar of his denim jacket. It didn't do much against the chilly Montana air, but he didn't care. He was hovering behind a strand of trees in a small park; ice cold blue eyes focused intently on the motel across the street.

Nick had been right; Caroline had led him straight to Castiel. The Nephilim boy, Lucifer’s son, Jack, was with them too, although he was nowhere to be seen right now. Castiel and Caroline were alone in the motel room.

There was a strange and foreign slither that might have been jealousy in Nick's gut at the thought, cold and clammy. The more rational part of his brain was aware that it made absolutely  _ no  _ sense. Perhaps it was because Caroline’s life had already been so damaged by angels, so destroyed beyond hope of repair, that the thought of Castiel riding in and playing the hero, pretending to be the white knight, made Nick nauseous. Nick was fully aware that he was not a good man, and was in all likelihood the villain of this piece. He wasn't entirely self-deluded.

But that didn't make Castiel the good guy. He was just as bad as Nick was; worse, even. Nick had researched Jimmy Novak’s family, had found out all about Amelia’s death and Claire’s trouble with the law, going in and out of foster homes, stealing and fighting, ultimately becoming a hunter, an  _ underage  _ hunter. Talk about a dead-end job. A hunter’s life expectancy was what, two years? Three? A decade, maybe, for the good ones. The Winchesters didn't count; they got more lives than a cat, more second chances than a just universe should allow. No, Claire Novak was going to die a miserable, bloody death in only a few years, Nick was certain. The blame for that rested squarely on Castiel’s angelic shoulders. Angels didn't care about the damage they did. After all, angels made him. If angels weren't good, who was? There weren't any real heroes in the world.

It had been years since Nick had smoked, he had given it up when Sarah had gotten pregnant, but right now all he wanted was a long, deep drag from a cigarette and the satisfying hit of nicotine afterward. Seemed like the thing one should do on a stake out.

Nick spotted Jack heading up the sidewalk towards the motel, actually  _ whistling _ a jaunty tune. God, Nick hated people like him. The only reason the boy’s innocence could have lasted in the face of all he had seen was because he was half-angel, he was sure. Nick didn't know if he should hate Jack or feel sorry for him. Nick had plans for Castiel, but he hadn't yet figured out how Jack would feature in those plans.

The Nephilim boy entered Castiel’s motel room. Nick tensed when only a few moments later the door opened again, and Caroline came running out. She was wearing the new clothes that Castiel and Jack had bought her with their stolen credit cards, which hugged her slightly skinny - but still attractive - form. She raced across the street, auburn-brown hair flying behind her. A car swerved to avoid hitting her, honking its protest, and she just flipped the driver the bird. Nick chuckled at that, but his amusement was cut off when he realized that she was heading for the park. She came to a stop not far from the copse of trees that Nick was hiding in.

_ God _ , she was beautiful, even while crying. Her dark hair was windswept and tangled, cheeks flushed, giving her a distinctly post-coital look. Nick could feel his heart hammering in his chest, so loudly he could swear she’d hear it too. Lately, only killing had given him a feeling this intense.

She was distracted, she was upset, she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. Nick could have snuck up behind her and knocked her out, taken her back to the abandoned building on the outside of town that he had set up in preparation. Nick made an impulsive decision instead.

He stepped out of the shadows, giving her a good deal of space between them. The monster inside of him, the angry thing that hungered for blood and death and chaos, protested, but Nick squashed it down.

“Hey, lady, you okay?”

She startled at the sound of his voice, jumping, her eyes wide with fear. There was a small part of Nick that was pleased with that response. He was surprised that it was smaller than it should be, considering he’d been hunting her. Considering what he had been planning to do to her, like he had the other empty vessels.

Nick spread his hands wide, to show he wasn't a threat. _Ha_! _What_ _a lie_! “Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm Ni … Noah.” Castiel had probably told her about him. “I’m Noah.”

“What are you doing here?” She shrank back just slightly, posture guarded, shoulders tense. Ready for a fight, or to run.  This woman had already been hurt, and badly. Her hard, suspicious eyes reminded Nick of his last victim, the young girl that he had given the mercy of a quick death. Nick had a sudden urge to hunt down, and torture whoever had hurt Caroline the way he had tortured that last girl’s pimp.

He scrambled for an explanation that wouldn't make a woman alone in a park with a strange man suspicious. “I-I...I'm looking for my dog. She got lost somewhere around here. I’ve been looking for hours, and I haven't found her, so I doubled back.”

“Oh.” A bit of sympathy crept into her expression, and Nick was exultant. He had her. He could close the distance between them now, overpower her before she knew what was happening. He didn't.

“I’ll get her, sooner or later,” Nick tried not to let the threat slip back into his voice, a habit after so many years of being feared as the symbol of supreme evil. His eyes drifted down Caroline’s body, and a different kind of hunger, one that he hadn't fed in a  _ long _ time, started to stir in his lower abdomen. His last memory of having sex had been raping Rowena when Lucifer still had control of his body. Even with the archangel gone, Nick hadn't been able to bring himself to be intimate with anyone since. The memory was just too awful. Never mind the fact that he was now torturing empty vessels to death, and enjoying it; Nick wasn't a rapist. Even someone as evil as he was had to have  _ some _ standards. Nick swallowed thickly and forced his eyes back up to her face. Thankfully, she was too emotional to notice where his eyes had just momentarily lingered.

“What happened?” Nick wasn't feigning interest. He wasn't sure why, but he genuinely wanted to know.

For some reason that defied logic, she answered his admittedly invasive question.

“I just …” her eyes darted around, looking like a frightened deer. It somehow simultaneously bought out the predatory instinct left behind from Lucifer, and a protectiveness at the same time. Nick struggled against the conflicting emotions that threatened to pull him under like a great tide. “I just did something I shouldn't have. Kissed someone I shouldn't ….”

Nick’s eyes narrowed. She had kissed him. She had kissed Castiel! The rage that boiled up inside of him, the sheer possessiveness surprised him. Castiel and his kind had been the ones to do this to her in the first place! Castiel didn't  _ deserve  _ Caroline’s affection!

“Doesn't matter.” Caroline laughed nervously. “He rejected me; he’s too good for a girl like me.”

The unexpected jealousy instantly calmed at the added information. But the beast inside Nick was fully awake now, and growling. “Sounds to me like he’s the one who doesn't deserve you,” He kept his voice even and his face carefully controlled, even as his fingernails were digging into his palm from the fist he was suddenly making.

“Caroline!” Voices were calling for her, Castiel’s and Jack’s, and Nick’s chest tightened at the concern in the angel’s voice.

“I-I should go,” Caroline chewed her bottom lip as she looked at him.

Nick didn't want to let her. He wanted to grab Caroline and shove her against the nearest tree. He wanted to kiss her like she’d never been kissed before, deep and hard and desperate. He wanted to hike her legs up around his waist and drive himself into her. He wanted to show her that she needed a  _ man _ , not an angel. He wanted to ravish her right there and make her like it, make her scream his name. Instead, he let her go with just a curt nod, not trusting his traitorous voice to make the sounds he would command it to. Nick had come here to torture and kill Caroline, and the intensity with which he now wanted to claim her and fuck her and make her  _ his _ confused and terrified him.

 

Nick slunk back into the shadows as he watched her join Castiel and the Nephilim boy, and a voice at the back of his head that sounded distinctly like Lucifer laughed at him.  _ What do you think is going to happen here, you idiot? That she’ll forgive you and you’ll live happily ever after in a cute little house with a white picket fence? Or maybe she’ll actually be as bad as you, pick up a knife herself and join you in your work?  _ Nick was ashamed to admit that the thought of Caroline covered in splatters of a blood with a scalpel twirling in her delicate fingers was arousing. The voice sneered at him.  _ That’s never going to happen, and you know it. You were made to be alone. There is only one entity in the universe who can understand you, and he’s gone. _

****

In the short time that Jack had been gone, he had managed to arrange an elaborate upscale experience that certainly surprised both Castiel and Caroline. It was clear that the Nephilim had gone out of his way to put everything together.

Caroline hurried away from the mysterious man in the park. Somehow, talking to him, a complete stranger had made her feel a little better. She didn’t want them to know she had been crying. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment over what she had tried to do. She didn’t know how to feel about Castiel’s rejection either. After all, he wouldn’t have rejected Hannah, would he? She wasn’t sure if he would have, but it made her angry. If Castiel thought her body was good enough even if she was being  _ used _ by Hannah, then why wasn’t she good enough for him when she was just herself?

Of course, she knew somewhere that she was being irrational. Castiel wasn’t like that. He wasn’t one to give in to the heat of the moment. She remembered that about him. He may not have been aware, but when Hannah was inside her, she could still see, feel,  _ sense _ everything around her, and she thought she understood Castiel somehow. Even when Hannah used her mouth to speak, her hands to touch, her body and her mind, she was still in there, quietly observing.

Thankfully, Jack didn’t seem to pick up on what he had almost walked in on much. Other than innocent curiosity, which Caroline gathered Castiel had probably explained to him in her absence, he said nothing. And Castiel didn’t bring it up either. Instead, the young Nephilim insisted that they get ready. Even though she didn’t feel like dressing up anymore, she really just wanted to slink silently away, she couldn’t bear to disappoint Jack. There was something about the boy that made her feel somewhat protective of him. Of his happiness.

Caroline didn’t remember the last time she had felt beautiful. But as she looked at herself in the mirror, at the shimmering black evening dress she had changed into, the matching heels, the faux pearl necklace, and the makeup that painted her pale face with a little color on her cheeks, a simple red shade of lipstick, and an icy blue eyeshadow, she felt transformed. Her hair was left loose; bangs swept to one side, the dark waves danced around her as she moved her head.

She didn’t miss the look on Castiel’s face when she had emerged from the motel bathroom. And she knew there was a blush on her face as well as her eyes fell on the sleek formal suit he was wearing. His handsome features and those deep blue eyes which certainly had not gone unnoticed from the start were brought out by the way his dark hair was combed back. For a fleeting moment, she regretted that her earlier advances had not succeeded, and she wondered if he felt the same.

And of course, there was Jack. The young Nephilim beamed eagerly as he stood there in his tan colored suit, his sandy blonde hair combed back as well. That promising gleam in his eye told Caroline that he had this evening in his control. It also made her a little suspicious that she was being set up. Jack seemed to have picked up on the idea that she and Cas- or at least Hannah and Cas- had been close and he seemed eager to encourage whatever he thought was between them, misguided as he might be about the whole concept. The Nephilim’s matchmaking attempts were certainly not going unnoticed.

The restaurant- inside the tiny town’s only decent hotel- matched their wardrobe — a white tablecloth sort of place with dimmed lights and soft jazz music giving it a cozy, romantic atmosphere. Caroline didn’t remember the last time she had been in such a formal place. It was almost enough to make her forget she had been homeless for the past three years. Almost. It felt as though she didn’t belong here, like she was intruding somehow.

“How exactly have you managed to arrange this?” Castiel asked Jack as he and the Nephilim slipped into the booth while Caroline quietly settled in across the table. “And how are you paying for it?”

“I called Sam,” Jack said, clearly pleased with himself. “He looked it up on the yelp. Oh and there’s this.” Jack pulled out a card and handed it to Castiel. Castiel recognized the name as one of Dean’s false aliases and sighed.

“Of course,” he said, taking the card.

Caroline had to smile at how Jack referred to it as ‘the yelp.’ The subtle nuances that stood out to her about him. Pushing aside her earlier embarrassment and the old wounds this whole encounter had brought up for her, she turned her focus to Jack.

“So Jack, what do you like to study in school?” she asked curiously as the waiter handed them their menus. Jack looked to Castiel for guidance, unsure how to respond.

“He doesn’t go to school,” Castiel spoke for him. “Being half angel, he already possesses much of the knowledge of the cosmos. As for human experiences… that is coming in time.”

Caroline frowned, thinking back about what she once was, long ago. Castiel seemed to pick up on her thoughts as he prompted her.

“What did you do before… Hannah?” Castiel wanted to know. Caroline had almost forgotten the woman she once was; she had to think about it, it seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago.

“I was a history teacher at a university,” Caroline replied. “A small college, really. But I taught medieval studies and ancient civilizations.”

Castiel raised a brow. “I had no idea,” he said, a small smile spreading across his lips. Jack seemed especially interested.

“What is history?” Jack wanted to know. At that moment their waiter interrupted them, and Caroline turned her attention to her menu long enough to order seafood linguine while Castiel chose the penne ragu. He made a point to explain to their waiter that calling pasta ‘angel hair’ was inappropriate as angels in their pure form did not have hair. The confused waiter tried to muddle through an appropriate response before turning to Jack who ordered a pizza with extra sausage and cheese. Jack insisted that they enjoy a bottle of champagne and Caroline began to get the distinct impression that Jack had ulterior motives for this whole venture.

“History is the study of the past,” Caroline explained, smiling as the Nephilim ordered himself a cherry Italian soda with whip cream and a cherry on top. “It’s important to learn the lessons of the past to prepare for a proper future. At least that is what I used to believe. I was very passionate about my work.”

She sighed as she thought of how true that was. She had been passionate about her work. She was sure she had, she really enjoyed learning about the past. She used to indulge in period dramas and books about the past, and she had loved to dress up as a woman from yesteryear back in her youth, but had that been the only career choice for her? Had there been a chance for adventure that she had missed because she took the easier route? She’d worked hard, went to college, but then; she had begun to wonder why she had ever said yes to Hannah in the first place, and the thought that she may not have been all that content with her previous life had crossed her mind. She loved Joe, but did she say yes to him a little too easily too? Yes to her chosen career path because her parents had been teachers and because teaching meant that she wouldn’t have to leave Montana, even if she yearned to see the world? Had her whole life been one giant ‘yes’ all along? Did she even know how to say no?

“It is interesting that you have chosen that course of study,” Castiel spoke up. “As you probably know, Hannah had never been to Earth before the fall. But Humans have always fascinated me, I have observed some aspects of human history.”

Caroline’s thoughts of her life were momentarily pushed aside as her heart fluttered, if only a little, as she did remember that old spark of life, slight though it was. “Tell me what you have seen,” she asked eagerly. “I’ve studied history all my life but to actually see it. I’ve often imagined what it would be like to wear a beautiful renaissance gown or to visit the Greek oracles.”

Castiel shrugged. “What would you like to know?” he asked as Jack shuffled about in his seat, glancing eagerly between Castiel and Caroline as if expecting some kind of spark to ignite between them.

“Well… tell me about the middle ages,” she responded. “I studied that period the most. I used to be fluent in Latin and Old English among others.”

“Well, it was dark,” Castiel replied with a smirk as their waiter brought them their meals. Caroline couldn’t help but feel her mouth water at the sight of chunks of lobster, clams, shrimp, and calamari. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been able to partake in such a fancy meal. Jack grinned ear to ear as she closed her eyes on that first bite of lobster, savoring it.

Castiel chuckled at her expression before continuing. “The Middle Ages in Europe. People smelled. They were close-minded, primitive, and violent. But they paved the way for much that humans have achieved now. Of course, they always seemed to be dying of a disease. The black plague was particularly hard to watch. I remember walking through a town that had been completely wiped out. Only a few months prior, I had walked through the streets, sampled the market, and had a rather alarming encounter with a monk who tried to accuse me of blasphemy when I informed him that Gabriel had, as the humans say, ‘flown the coop’ in heaven.”

Caroline laughed. It was a genuine laugh, and she couldn’t believe how good it felt rolling through her body like a wave. She tried to imagine Castiel in the middle ages. “Did you take a vessel back then?” she wondered. “In order to interact with people?”

Castiel nodded. “It was a woman,” he said. “I was only part of her existence for a short time, but the next time I returned to the village, in my true form and invisible, she and everyone else around her were all dead. All that was left alive in that village were the rats and a few stray dogs.”

“I’d love to learn more,” Caroline heard herself say. Where did this all come from? They had stumbled onto some sort of gold mine here. She hadn’t felt this alive in so very long. But the moment would be fleeting. Castiel happily complied with her request, and she spent the next half hour listening intently to his stories. He had seen so much, and she was hungry to know everything. It was at that moment that Jack spoke up, as he looked between them.

“I think I have to go somewhere that is away now,” he said bluntly. Caroline turned her attention to him and was suddenly suspicious that this whole evening might have been a setup. The Nephilim wasn’t fooling her with his coy attempts at trying to exit the scene whenever it seemed she and Castiel were engaged in a close repertoire.

“Jack,” Castiel began, but the Nephilim was already getting out of his seat.

“Don’t forget dessert,” he reminded them before scampering away.

Caroline sighed and glanced at Castiel once they were alone. Castiel only shrugged apologetically. “I think I know what he is trying to do,” he replied.

“Yeah…” Caroline glanced down at her hands. For a moment, there was an uncomfortable silence. There was suddenly less to talk about, but Caroline found she had enjoyed this evening. It had been so long since she had felt this way. Laughing over jokes, listening endlessly to Castiel’s stories, eating food that she hadn’t enjoyed in decades, it all seemed surreal. As if it must be an illusion, a dream. She didn’t know if she could trust these feelings.

“Caroline,” Castiel’s tone told her he seemed to sense her feelings. “I want you to know-”

“It’s fine,” she cut off, looking at him. “I know. I’m sorry for the way I behaved earlier. I shouldn’t have… I know I’m not her.”

“Is that what it was about?” Castiel sighed. He quickly picked up the check and paid before standing up and reaching for her hand. “Caroline. Come with me.”

Caroline took his hand, letting him lead her out of the restaurant. They found a bench across the street in the park. It was a chilly night, but the cold somehow felt good as she sat down, pivoting her torso to face him.

“I miss her,” Caroline offered. And it was true. She missed Hannah. “I think about her every day.”

“I miss her too,” Castiel agreed. “But don’t think Hannah has anything to do with what happened earlier. I just don’t want to take advantage of you, Caroline. I came here to protect you from Nick, not to use you like that.”

Caroline lowered her eyes, feeling that familiar lump in her throat. She should be touched by his words, by his refusal to use her as other men had. But it only made her feel worse. Like he was refusing to be the source of affection she so desperately craved.

She felt his hand brush against her chin, gently prompting her to look back at him. When one lone tear slipped from her eye, he used his thumb to wipe it from her cheek. His deep blue eyes were pensive and empathetic. “I’m not saying no to it,” he reiterated. “And… this… is a good start. This evening. I had a good time, and I enjoyed your company, I hope you enjoyed mine. But… after what you told me, what you’ve had to do to survive…” She cringed as she thought about what she had told him. “I don’t want to be one of those men.”

She closed her eyes, savoring his touch. She had to resist every urge in her body, as his touch was electrifying. She desperately wanted him to keep touching her. She needed him to keep touching her. But he wasn’t going to. He moved his hand away, and she opened her eyes to look at him.

“I can see why she cared for you,” Caroline said softly, her voice low with contemplative emotion as she smiled. “Why you moved her.”

Castiel smiled, thoughtfully glancing up at the sky as if to reach the heavens with his thoughts. “Hannah was someone I wish I had more time to know,” he said. “She was confident, brave, strong-willed, and passionate. But she was impulsive, and she followed the ‘angel code’ a little too rigidly sometimes. She was my friend. And she was caring and kind and compassionate. Her actions in giving you up inspired me to look into the life of my own vessel. To care about him and the people I took him away from.”

“Is that all she was?” Caroline asked. “Just a friend? She was more than that to me.”  Caroline knew the angel that Hannah was. Although she deeply resented the angel for what she had been put through, she also felt a closeness to the angel that she could never really put into words.

“Perhaps not,” Castiel admitted. “We’ll never know what might have been. She was taken from me far too soon.”

A reflective silence spread between them as they both reflected on the angel that had left an impression on both of them. Although she had been only an observer in Hannah’s thoughts and actions as she shared her body, there was something about her that Caroline admired- that she wished she had. Confidence. Self-worth. Value. Hannah had commanded others, that was something Caroline could never do.

“Come on,” Castiel took her hand and placed it under his forearm. She stood up, and the two of them began to meander slowly back toward the motel.

***

Nick continued to watch from the shadows. He had followed them to the restaurant, trailing behind at a safe pace so Caroline - and more importantly Castiel - wouldn't notice him. He discarded his baseball cap and denim jacket in a trash can along the way, leaving him in a simple long-sleeve pullover. He wasn’t exactly up to the hotel restaurant’s usual dress code, but a few hundred dollar bills to the maître’d took care of that.

 

If Caroline had been beautiful before, she was absolutely  _ breathtaking  _ in the black evening gown that slinked down her body; hair swept to the side in waves. For a moment, Nick allowed himself to imagine that she had dressed this way for him.

 

Even from across the restaurant, it was clear that Jack was trying to set up Castiel and Caroline. That alone should make Nick hate him. But he couldn't. The boy radiated sweetness and innocence, and while Nick normally hated people with that relentless cheerfulness, somehow he wanted to protect Jack from the darkness of the world.   _ YOU are the darkness in this world  _ …. the voice at the back of his head taunted him. Nick squashed it down. Only someone who really understood evil could predict it, could protect someone from it, he reasoned to himself.

 

Jack wasn’t his son, he was Lucifer’s, and more to the point, he didn't come from Nick’s body. The Nephilim boy had been conceived when the archangel was possessing another vessel … But after eight years of being possessed by Lucifer, it was hard to not think of something of Lucifer's as being  _ his _ as well. The boy was even blond-haired, like Nick. He couldn't help but wonder if Teddy would have looked like him, if he had been allowed to grow up, instead of being murdered in his crib. And now Castiel was raising his son …. Lucifer’s son, Nick corrected himself, forcing his fist to unclench under the table.

 

As the night wore on, Nick had to watch Castiel laugh and enjoy himself with Jack and Caroline at his side. Nick’s anger grew. He couldn’t help but imagine himself in Castiel’s place, basking in the warm center of Jack’s obvious adoration and Caroline's enthusiastic affection. Nick couldn't hear what they were talking about from where he was sitting, but her complete, and total engagement with whatever the seraph was saying was obvious.

Caroline should be looking at  _ him  _ like that! Only he could understand what she had been through. And he wouldn't judge her for what she had done to survive while homeless, as the holier-than-thou angel clearly had. Nick would treasure her, and protect her, and make sure that no other man ever touched her again.

 

Some small part of Nick’s psyche was laughing at him, was aware he was projecting his grief over his slaughtered family and the life he’d never be able to have with them, that Caroline wasn't Sarah and Jack wasn't Teddy. Some part of himself  _ knew _ that they weren't his family and they didn't know him from Adam, that Nick didn't deserve them. But then Castiel would make a joke and Caroline would laugh, and the boiling primal  _ rage _ would eclipse all reason. Castiel didn't deserve them either. Jack was Lucifer’s, that made him  _ his _ son; Caroline was  _ his _ …. Well, just his.

 

The delicate stem of the wineglass snapped from Nick gripping it too hard.

 

“It appears I’ve been stood up,” Nick told the waiter when he thought he had sent too many side-glances his way. That bought a sympathetic look and seemed to assuage any suspicious thoughts the server may have had about him dining alone. That would also be a legitimate reason for his jealousy over Castiel and Caroline’s excellently-proceeding date if he had let too much of his emotions show on his face. They were lighting up the entire restaurant. Who wouldn't be jealous of that?

 

Nick was going to have to move quickly if he wanted to save Caroline from the angel’s mind games.

 


	5. Chapter 5

  
It was later in the evening when Castiel stood over the sleeping Jack as the Nephilim lay huddled in bed fast asleep. He must have fallen asleep attempting to wait up for him and Caroline. Castiel couldn’t help but smile; he was well aware that the evening had been orchestrated by Jack. He took the blankets and draped them over the sleeping Nephilim, tucking him in and brushing a strand of sandy blonde hair out of his eyes.   
  
After a while, Castiel turned around to find Caroline sitting at the edge of the other bed already changed into a long nightgown; her hair brushed out over her shoulders. She smiled as Castiel crept away from Jack, taking care not to wake him. “You’re very good with him,” she complimented as Castiel settled down into a chair and faced her. Castiel smiled at the compliment.   
  
“Have you and Joe had any children?” he wanted to know. He frowned when she quickly lowered her gaze to look at her hands, her demeanor turning serious. She shook her head.   
  
“It’s not something I really wanted,” she said softly as he watched her fiddle nervously with her hands in her lap. “But Joe did so we tried. In fact, right before Hannah… but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”   
  
Castiel cocked his head, not quite understanding her meaning. His pause caused her to glance up at him, her cerulean eyes meeting his. “I had a miscarriage,” she explained. “I don’t know whether he resented me or not but…  sometimes I wonder. Maybe that’s what caused the rift between us… maybe that’s why it was so easy to say yes to Hannah.”   
  
Castiel sighed. It had never occurred to him to think that this woman’s life may not have been ideal before she had encountered Hannah. He had learned about her passion this evening, her love of the past, they’d laughed and shared his memories, but what else was there to know? What else was hidden in the depth?   
  
He got up and relocated to the edge of the bed, sitting down beside her and looking down into her eyes. Studying those deep cerulean orbs, for a moment, he felt almost captivated by them. He cleared his throat. “Why did you say yes?” he wanted to know. “I mean in hindsight, looking back on it, would you still do it?”   
  
Caroline sighed and didn’t respond for a long time. She glanced down at her hands again, lips thinning as she searched for the proper response. “Saying yes is easier than saying no,” she admitted, not looking up at all. “I guess my life has been one giant yes. Yes to the man my parents wanted me to marry, yes to the career they wanted me to have. You don’t draw attention to yourself by saying yes. It’s safer. I guess I said one yes too many.”   
  
“What about your parents?” Castiel wondered, thinking that it was strange that if Caroline’s parents were still alive, why had she been homeless all these years? “They didn’t help you out?”   
“I’m an embarrassment to them,” Caroline explained, turning to look at him now. “I grew up in a small town. Everyone knows everyone, that sort of thing. Reputation is everything to my parents, and I ruined theirs so… I haven’t heard from them since I got out of the mental institution.”   
  
“Caroline…” Castiel frowned, feeling regret and sympathy. Ironically enough, he knew the feeling well. After all, he’d burned bridges with angels many times, and few thought very highly of him. But they were still his family.   
  
Caroline just shook her head. “It’s funny; I dated someone who was more like you in high school. He was independent, free-thinking, lived by his own rules. Everyone in town thought he was a troublemaker. They were convinced he did drugs and if I weren’t careful he’d drag me into his life of crime and deviance. So when we got out of high school, and both got accepted to the same out of state university, I had an amazing opportunity. I could study archaeology in Boston while living with the love of my life. But my parents disapproved. They didn’t want me leaving Montana, and they threatened to disown me if I went so… I stayed.”   
  
“You chose the path of least resistance,” Castiel gathered. “And that path was Joe?”   
  
Caroline nodded, shrugging. “It’s not that I didn’t love him. I did. At least I learned to in time. But he was a safe, secure man. His parents and my parents grew up together. They practically picked him out for me. He’s a good man. Or at least he was.”   
  
“He seemed to be when I met him,” Castiel agreed, remembering how Joe had tracked them down. Caroline only gave him a sad smile and a shrug.   
  
“I can’t really blame him for what happened,” she said. “After all, who would believe my angel story? And he had to live with the constant judgments from everyone in our little town. I caused the biggest scandal anyone had ever seen. Running off with a man, leaving Joe behind to endure the rumors and the gossip. And when I returned? He was never the same. He was paranoid, distant. He never trusted me again. Until one day, I walked in on him with a woman in our bed. And the rest is history.”   
  
“I’m sorry, but that seems cruel of him,” Castiel said. That all left an awful taste in his mouth. That Joe would replace her so quickly. It made Castiel glad for what he had. For Sam and Dean. The three of them had literally put one another through hell and had stuck through the worst each of them had to offer.   
  
“As I said, I can’t really blame him,” she said with another shrug, shoulders slumping in resolution. “It’s strange. Having learned a little about angels, their sense of order and hierarchy, I realized I have lived my life like an angel. Always following orders, doing what other people wanted, never what I wanted. I think maybe Hannah chose me for that. She and I had that in common.”   
  
“Hannah was a soldier, she knew how to take orders,” Castiel agreed. “But she also knew how to give them. And, during her time with me, she also learned when to have the courage to say no, to stand your ground and make your choice whatever the consequences. I had to learn that lesson too not long ago. It wasn’t easy, but it’s what I learned about being here on Earth. The value of free will. You could have that too, Caroline.”   
  
Caroline turned away and quickly shook her head. “No I can’t,” she said. “I wouldn’t know how to begin.”   
  
Castiel reached over and took her hand in both of his. Her hand was warm and soft, and Castiel clasped it tightly, waiting for her to turn to look at him. “You can start by telling me what you want,” he said. “What do you want right now? Don’t think about it, just tell me. Could be anything.”   
  
“Well… seeing as how it’s past two in the morning, I think I’d like to get some sleep,” she said, prompting him to glance over at the digital clock on the nightstand. Her eyes had a slight jovial expression, and he wondered if she was just trying to put a quick end to this conversation. The idea of choosing something for herself seemed to make her very uncomfortable.   
  
“Alright,” Castiel acquiesced, giving her an encouraging smile. “But you aren’t off the hook so easily. Tomorrow, you are going to make some more choices. And you are going to learn how to say no.”   
  
Caroline frowned, looking uncomfortable and nervous. Castiel didn’t want to push her into this, but he couldn’t bear to see her in this situation. It really broke his heart to hear that this woman once had dreams of her own, perhaps still did, and other people had slowly stripped them all away, and she had let them. And she had gone along with what everyone else wanted, and in the end, it still ruined her life. He had once tried to teach Hannah about choice, about love and ‘human things’ as she had called them. Now, it felt right to try and teach Caroline the same thing. It was ironic to Castiel that he, the rebel angel, had to teach a human about something he himself had to learn about as an angel.   
  
“It’ll be okay, Caroline,” Castiel assured her. “We’ll start easy. You’ll get used to it.”   
  
Caroline nodded, and Castiel got up from the bed, moving back to the table to let her get to sleep. He stayed there the rest of the night, watching over both her and Jack, pondering and thinking.   
  
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS   
  
Nick slipped out of the restaurant before Castiel and Caroline's date ended (but not before Jack made some poor excuse to leave them alone). He didn't think he could stand to see more without doing something suicidally stupid. Besides, he had preparations to make. Nick knew he had time. If Castiel had indulged in this little date, he was letting his arrogance and self-assurance get the better of him. They weren't leaving anytime soon. If Nick had been in the seraph's place, he would have snatched Caroline up, willing or no, and hauled ass back to the Bunker, where the Winchesters would be waiting with a library of magical lore and spells and a dozen plus other hunters as backup. Even with the bodies that Nick was leaving behind, Castiel continued to underestimate him. It was infuriating. But so many things about Castiel were.

 

Before he went back to the warehouse, Nick had to stop for supplies. He usually didn't make the people he kidnapped very comfortable, but Caroline was different. She was special. He wasn't sure what food she liked, so he got a little of everything, provided it would keep. Which meant hundreds of dollars in junk food - chips, cookies, pretzels, soda, peanut butter. Nick even congratulated himself for throwing in granola bars and remembering women's vitamins, since it wasn't likely that Caroline had had good nutrition while she was homeless.

 

He got good plush, warm blankets, and soft pillows, some crossword books and pencils so she wouldn't get bored if he had to leave her alone. He hadn't been planning on it, but when he saw an early Valentine's Day display, he impulsively bought several heart-shaped boxes of expensive chocolates and two dozen long-stemmed red roses. The gas station attendant had commented that he “must really have the love bug bad.”

 

Nick should have been angry at his familiarity, but instead, he just grinned and said that maybe he did. There was the familiar nervous, restless energy that he always had as he prepared to snatch a victim, but there was something else, too. His palms were sweaty, knees knocking together slightly in his haste. Nick's stomach was awash in a mad fluttering of butterflies. Alright, so maybe the overly-rich food at the restaurant could have something to do with that, but Nick doubted it. He hadn't felt this way in  _ years ….  _ Well, since his first few dates with Sarah. Nick's heart picked up speed a little at the implication.

 

Nick actually hummed on the drive along the lonely dirt road back to the abandoned warehouse he had commandeered, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Nick hummed as he stapled up heavy-duty plastic to cover the drafts of the ancient building. Couldn't have her catching a cold. Nick hummed as he packed up his scalpels, knives, thumbscrews and more exotic implements, and of course, his hammer. It was by far his crudest tool, but effective. It had the weight of history behind it. When his family had been murdered, it had been with this same tool. Nick didn't know why he kept it, except that it was all he had left of his wife and child now. He didn't even have pictures of them, just the object that a demon had used to bash in their skulls and spread their brain matter all over the floor of his home, and how fucked up was that?

 

But no, now wasn't the time to dwell on past horrors. Nick's plans had changed; he didn't want to torture Caroline anymore. It wouldn't do for her to see his tools as soon as she woke up. That would just scare her, and she wouldn't have the chance to get to know the real him. He'd still have to keep her tied up, of course, to keep her from running back to that lying angel.

 

It wasn't her fault, not really. Angels were very seductive; Nick knew this intimately. Caroline just needed someone to show her the truth, to help her understand. Once she saw the angel's lies for what they were, Nick was  _ sure _ that Caroline would understand. She  **_had_ ** to. And then she could bring him Jack, and together they could make the Nephilim see that he belonged with Nick, too.

 

Nick could keep them both safe. Nick could have a family again.

 

And then he would deal with Castiel.

 

Nick smiled, a savage, feral grin hungry for blood and darkness, as he absentmindedly stroked his secret weapon, which he had stolen from the Winchester's Bunker when he left: the Book of the Damned.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Late the next morning, Castiel returned to the motel room after a quick trip to the motel lobby to pay their bill, he entered the room to find Jack quickly stuffing things into his duffel bag. He was already dressed, and when he noticed Castiel, he only smiled at him.   
  
“Caroline is in the shower,” Jack said with a bright smile as Castiel was suddenly aware of the sound of the shower running in the bathroom.   
  
“And where are you going?” Castiel questioned, his eyes settling on the duffel bag as Jack zipped it and threw it over his shoulder, standing up.   
  
“Oh I’m meeting up with Sam and Dean in the next town over,” Jack explained. “Can I borrow the truck? I’ll be back later this evening. Maybe tomorrow.”   
  
Castiel blinked at the speed at which the Nephilim relayed the information and asked for the truck. “Wait, slow down, Jack,” he implored gripping Jack on the shoulders as he went to reach for the truck keys laying on the table. “I’m afraid you’ll have to provide me with a little more. Why do Sam and Dean want to meet up and why don’t they just come here?”   
  
“They’re on a hunt,” Jack explained. “They are ‘pressed for time’ as Sam called it. But they said they had some information about Nick that could be important.”   
  
Castiel frowned, trying to wrap his head around what Jack was saying. His hesitation caused the Nephilim to frown. “So can I have the truck?” he asked. “I promise not to crash it. Dean taught me to drive the impala.”   
  
“I-I know,” Castiel mumbled. “It’s not the truck I am concerned about. Nick is out there, Jack. I am concerned for your safety.”   
  
“Nick isn’t after me,” Jack reminded him. “I’ll call and check in all day if you want.” His eyes pleaded with Castiel and finally, the angel sighed in defeat, moving aside so Jack could get to the keys.   
  
“Oh, and how was last night?” Jack wondered, a brow raising with curiosity and a small smirk on his face. “With you and Caroline I mean.”   
  
“Jack,” Castiel warned, seeing where this conversation is heading. “I don’t think you quite understand how certain aspects of human rituals work. I’m not sure I understand either.”   
  
“Oh no I understand,” Jack insisted nonchalantly. “I know all about that stuff now. Courting, dating, flowers, sex.”   
  
Castiel narrowed his eyes, looking the Nephilim up and down suspiciously. “How do you know this?”   
  
“Dean told me,” Jack explained. “Oh and… I watched some stuff while you two were out. You know, on the TV. Don’t worry, Castiel, if you need advice on this matter, I can teach you what I know. The programs I saw were really quite enlightening. If not… graphic.”   
  
Castiel groaned, not encouraged by Jack’s new found knowledge on this subject. He felt compelled to question the Nephilim further, but he was already heading for the door. “I may need to correct any possible misconceptions you may have picked up when you return,” he told him. “Just be careful, Jack.”   
  
Jack hurried over and hugged Castiel tight. “I’ll be careful, I promise,” he assured the angel. “Oh and don’t forget to use protection.” With that he scurried out the door and was gone, leaving Castiel to ponder over what he had meant with his last words.   
  
“Protection?” he mumbled as he heard the bathroom door open.   
  
**   
“Protection?” Caroline emerged from the bathroom after she had finished getting dressed. She wore a pair of thick black leggings, a long sleeve skater dress which was decorated with color schemed and floral patterns of various hues of purples, blues, and greens. A thinly knit scarlet red scarf hung from her neck, and her dark hair hung loosely as it was still wet from her shower.   
  
She was getting used to the idea of being clean and feeling beautiful. Of course, she was still very skinny, her three years of homelessness hadn’t done her any favors, but she felt beautiful. Maybe even alive. She caught sight of Castiel who stood by the door, in his typical beige trenchcoat. She noted the emptiness in the room and glanced around. “Where’s Jack?”   
  
“He went to meet up with the Winchesters,” Castiel replied, crossing the room to come to a halt in front of her. “You look nice, Caroline.”   
  
Caroline blushed slightly at the compliment as she and Castiel sat in unison at the foot of one of the beds. She eyed him for a moment, feeling the anxiety and dread seeping through her bones. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he said last night. How he planned to show her how to make a choice, take a stand, and it was terrifying her.   
  
“About last night,” she began, dropping her gaze bashfully as she stumbled over her words. “I, uh, I don’t really think it’s necessary. I mean I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I’m okay, really.”   
  
She fidgeted nervously with her thumbs, a growing lump in her throat. After all, there was something she wanted, and she had already tried to get it from him, and he had already refused. She couldn’t risk being rejected again.   
  
“Caroline,” his voice, full of concern, brought her gaze back to him. To those amazing blue eyes that made her want to melt. But his look of concern for her, it made her think back to her time with him as Hannah.   
  
“You know,” she said firmly. “When we were working together, when I was with Hannah, I remember about your grace. You seemed to have gotten it back.”   
  
Her statement was a desperate attempt to change the subject as well as a genuine interest in him. She remembered Hannah’s worry for him as she had watched him slowly deteriorate, she remembered her desperation.   
  
“Yes,” he confirmed. “It wasn’t easy, but yes, I did.”   
  
“And you’ve been happy since then? I see how you look at Jack; you care about him.”   
  
Castiel sighed long and hard, his eyes flicking to the side as he contemplated her words. “Jack is my happiness,” he told her, bringing a smile to her face. “But other than that… the last few years haven’t been easy. And of course, losing Hannah hurt.”   
  
“Hannah was willing to deal with Metatron for you,” Caroline informed him. “You changed her. She went from being a soldier, and angel’s angel, to having passion. She had more passion that I’ve ever had. I’ve never really felt that and I’m human.”   
  
“Hannah changed me too,” Castiel told her. She watched him for a moment, waiting for him to continue. He seemed to be recalling something. Remembering. “Her compassion for you, giving you up, letting you return to your life, it inspired me to look into my own vessel.”   
  
“Jimmy Novak?” Caroline perked up at the mention of the man whose body Castiel was inhabiting. She knew nothing about him. “Tell me.”   
  
“Well,” he began. “Jimmy was a good man. Devout. I guess he may have been what Dean would call a ‘square’ although I fail to understand what shape has to do with Jimmy.”   
  
“It means… kinda boring and plain,” Caroline said. “Like me.” She smiled at the irony. She wondered what would have happened if she had met Jimmy.   
  
“Yes, I suppose,” Castiel replied. “Although you are far from plain, Caroline. In any case, Jimmy was a salesman. He had a wife and a daughter whom he adored. Claire. After I dropped you off, I looked into her and…” he trailed away, emotion crossing his face as he glanced away, clearing his throat. He paused.   
  
“Castiel?” Caroline prompted softly, reaching forward to touch his arm. “Tell me about Claire.”   
  
“I ruined her life,” he blurted out, the emotion coming off his tongue like a pile of bricks. “She uh… she was in a group home when I found her. Her mom went looking for Jimmy, I guess. Claire was an orphan. I orphaned her. And she grew up on the streets, she was a very troubled young girl, and it was all my fault. I took her father away, and I took something even more important to him. Her innocence. Her naivety about what was really out there.”   
  
Caroline swallowed that story hard. Her heart went out to that girl — just another victim of angels. Her first instinct was to resent him, the way she resented Hannah, but she couldn’t bring herself to. And in all honesty, she could never truly resent Hannah either. “Castiel,” she said gently, letting her hand move along his arm to his hand, gripping it as he had done for her. “It was Jimmy’s choice. He said yes. You had no way of knowing…”   
  
There was a potency in this conversation that Caroline felt in her very core. She chose Hannah. She made that decision. And that decision changed her life forever, but it was her choice.   
  
“This is why I just can’t,” Castiel told her, looking at her, the regret in his eyes. “With you, I can’t take advantage of you. Don’t you see, Caroline? My choices have caused devastation. I’ve hurt so many angels and humans. I’ve ruined a girl’s life; I killed her parents. Now, instead of having a normal happy life, she’ll be a hunter and most likely die a cruel death someday at the hands of something who just got the better of her. I did that to her.”   
  
“The fact that you regret that speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are,” Caroline told him. “Most angels wouldn’t care about Claire. Hannah didn’t care about me at first, but she learned to. You taught her that. And no matter how badly you keep messing up, you keep trying to do what’s right.”   
  
Castiel looked at her then, his expression pensive as if trying to decide if she was serious. The look on his face was one of shock as if he had never considered the prospect that he was good.   
  
Caroline inched closer to him, until their bodies were touching until she could look up and be mere millimeters from his face. So she could feel his warmth. “You’ve been holding back for me?”   
  
Castiel nodded. “Your story… I don’t want to be one of those men who took advantage of you. In a way, I took advantage of Jimmy. And there’s no way I could ever make up for that. And I can’t risk making a mistake with you.”   
  
“No one has really cared about my well being,” Caroline admitted, looking back on her life and realizing how true that was of all the people who had been in it. “You could never take advantage of me, Castiel. You aren’t capable of that sort of cruelty.” She scoffed a little thinking about the men she’d let touch her. “Besides, those men, it was my fault-”   
  
  
“No,” Castiel cut her off abruptly. “It was not your fault. It was never your fault; it doesn’t matter what your reasoning for doing it was, it was never your fault.”   
  
“My parents would say it was,” she said softly, dropping her gaze a little. “That I deserved it.”   
  
“They are wrong,” Castiel insisted. A pause passed between them, and Caroline slowly let her gaze drift back up to him. Their eyes locked and this time, instead of seeing the look of rejection in his eyes, the doubt and rebuking, he only stared right back, fixated on her.   
  
Caroline thought her heart would beat right out of her chest as they inched closer and closer, their intent clear. She felt him brush a hand against her cheek, the touch causing an electrical torrent of sensation within her. But none more so than when he finally pressed his lips to hers, her eyes drifting shut as she melted into him.   
  
There was a connection that was far more profound than that kiss — a desire that went far beyond the physical. Her mouth fell opened deepening the kiss, the feeling of his breath on her lips made her skin tingle with anticipation. She pressed her body to his, closing whatever gap remained between them as she pivoted around to him, her palm bracing against his chest.   
  
His lips parted from hers, and she gasped in as his kisses trailed down her neck, prompting her to arch it into his touch. She was vaguely aware of how her body slowly lowered onto the bed and how his body lowered with her, his weight pressing against her as her head sunk into the pile of messy blankets.   
  
“Castiel…” she whispered, clasping a hand on his and guiding him to the end of her dress, and then under. She wasn’t aware of the hesitation at first as he slowly moved his hand up to make contact with her torso, inching ever closer to the edge of her bra. But he looked at her, pulling apart from the kisses, reluctance in his eyes as he toyed with her bra with uncertainty.   
  
“What is it?” she wondered, suddenly afraid that he was going to reject him again. She bit her lip, bracing herself inwardly — the heat permeating off of both of their bodies still circulating between them, both of them breathing heavily.   
  
“Nothing,” he replied at first. But then, “it’s just… I’ve never, I just want this to be right. I’m worried we are rushing.”   
  
Caroline sighed, at first feeling confused and frustrated, trying to sort out how she could get through to him. It was the right time. She felt it. She wasn’t just trying to seduce him like before, throwing herself at him in an attempt to force the affection she so desperately craved from him. This was different. They weren’t going to have sex; they were going to make love.   
  
But she realized Castiel, in his lack of experience, was nervous. She didn’t know much about the history of his sex life, but she suspected, knowing from Hannah, that angels didn’t exactly go looking for these kinds of opportunities.   
  
“I’ll tell you what,” she said as she sat up, he along with her. “I’m hungry. I’m human; we tend to need food. I’m going to go get something to eat, and when I come back, we are going to finish this.”   
  
“Caroline-” she put up a hand. She wasn’t letting this one go this time. She was giving him a momentary pass, but that was all. And she realized, a small smile forming on her face, that she was really making this her choice.   
  
“You told me to make choices,” she reminded him, brushing a hand to his cheek lovingly. “Well, I’m making one. I’m going to leave, and when I come back, there will be nothing between us. Castiel… we’ve shared so much already. I want everything to be right too… you trust me don’t you?”   
  
Castiel smiled, “yes, I do,” he admitted. “Alright. I promise. I want this too, Caroline.”   
  
She saw sincerity there and leaned forward to kiss him, deeply, pointedly, a premise of what was to come. He returned the kiss with no hesitation, and the two lingered before she finally got to her feet and moved away from him, eyes lingering on him as she walked towards the door, grabbing her coat and wallet on the way by. He watched her go, his expression beckoning her to hurry back.   
  
“I won’t be long,” she promised.   
  
“Hurry back,” he replied as he sat on the bed, watching her go.   
  
She felt as though she was leaving a lover long term; she had a strange sensation that their goodbye was haunting, even painful, even though it would only be a few minutes. Just a few minutes and she’d be in his arms again, and this time there would be nothing but emotion and passion between them.   
  
She kept her mind on that as she absentmindedly crossed the parking lot of the motel, heading towards the small diner in front of her. She didn’t hear the footsteps, so when she was grabbed from behind, a rag reeking of chloroform suddenly shoved to her face, she only uttered a soft squeak before she felt dizzy, her legs giving out beneath her as darkness descended over her, her last feeling was of a pair of arms catching her as she fell backward.

****

Castiel remained where Caroline had left him, sitting on the edge of the bed, his clothes slightly ruffled, as he stared at the closed door, willing it to open. He thought about the woman who had been beside him not moments before, kissing him, touching him, beckoning him. Castiel had never felt quite like this, so… out of control.

He had resisted her advances, telling himself he was doing it because he wouldn’t and couldn’t take advantage of her like that. He wasn’t going to be like the men who had taken advantage of her, who used her, and after everything she’d been through, he never wanted to add to her misery. But maybe there was another reason. Maybe he felt he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to have this kind of happiness. He didn’t deserve to have another person care this much for him, to want to touch him both physically and emotionally.

Perhaps that is why he pulled back at the last moment. Why he hesitated. But now, sitting here, waiting for her, anticipating what was to come, he was never so sure of anything. He wanted this, and he wasn’t going to stop her this time. He wanted to feel the warmth of her touch, see the desire in her eyes for him. It had been there all this time, and he had blown it off.

Castiel wasn’t very experienced in this sort of thing, after all. The only sexual encounter he had ever had was with April, and it was nothing like there, there was no love, no emotion behind it. This was different. He and Caroline weren’t going to have sex; they were going to make love. It was going to be something he had never experienced before, and he wanted it to be right for both of them.

But, as he sat there, waiting, he frowned. It was taking her a long time to come back. The diner was across the parking lot, and surely she should have been back by now. A gnawing feeling began to work its way into his core. A nagging concern that something was wrong. No, perhaps she had just decided to sit down and eat. She’d be back. She’d be back…

Castiel pursed his lips; he stared at the door so hard he was sure he could drill a hole through it. Minutes passed. An hour… a whole hour. That was it; he had to find her. He just had to be sure. He got up and was outside the motel in mere seconds.

Outside, the air was freezingly cold and ominous. A thick blanket of menacing fog had descended upon them, shrouding much of the parking lot from view. “Caroline!” Castiel called out into the clouds, his voice fading away in the howling wind.

And then, something caught his eye, something laying on the pavement. He had to get very close to see for sure, but once it came into view, Castiel was sure his heart froze. A hammer. And pinned underneath it was the scarlet red scarf Caroline had been wearing. Picking them both up in his hands, Castiel was suddenly finding it hard to breathe.  _ Nick... _


End file.
